The powerful middle ground between passive and aggressive: assertive.

The director of my play The Culture succinctly explained to me that people often spend time at either end of a spectrum: with one end being passive, and the other assertive, and forget the sweet spot is right in the middle – and that is assertive.

If, like me, you’re someone who tends towards the non-confrontational, people-pleasing end, it can be easy in trying to avoid coming across as aggressive, to end up being more passive than we’d like to be.

If you’re naturally agreeable, learning to be more assertive can feel like you’re flirting with becoming a completely different person. You start practising saying what you mean, and almost immediately a little alarm goes off in your head: Am I being rude? Am I being harsh? Am I turning into a dickhead?

I think this fear is one of the main reasons people stay stuck in people pleasing habits for so long. It’s not that they don’t know what they want. It’s that they’ve learned that clarity is risky. Clarity might upset someone. Clarity might make you unlikeable. Clarity might make you “difficult.”

So instead, you cushion everything, add extra words, soften the edges. You make it sound like a suggestion instead of a decision. You do the emotional labour of keeping the room comfortable, and then you walk away feeling vaguely annoyed at yourself for not just saying the thing.

Here’s what I’ve realised: there’s a huge difference between being assertive and being aggressive, and most of us were never properly taught the difference.

Aggression is forceful. It’s dominating the space, trying to win by pushing past other people’s needs.

Assertive is clear, direct, and calm. It’s saying what is true for you without making someone else the villain.

It can be as simple as: “That doesn’t work for me.” Or: “I can do this, but not that.” Or: “I’m not available.” Or: “I need more time.” The words are not dramatic. The drama is usually in our head, because we are so used to cushioning.

If you’re worried that being assertive will make you a dickhead, I have some reassurance for you: the people who are actually dickheads generally don’t worry about this. They don’t sit around checking their tone or care about impact. They don’t stress about whether they’ve come across as kind.

The fact that you’re even asking the question is usually a sign you’re operating with a decent internal compass. What makes assertiveness feel edgy at first is that you’re changing a pattern. If you’ve spent years being the person who accommodates, being clear can feel like you’re breaking a rule. You might feel guilty. You might feel selfish. You might feel like you owe an explanation, but in this reality, you don't. 

You can be warm and still be clear, respectful, and still have a boundary. You can definetly care about someone and still disappoint them.

There’s also something worth saying about kindness. Kindness does not mean you never upset anyone. Kindness is not the same thing as keeping everything comfortable. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is be clear early, so no one is guessing, no one is overthinking, and no one is building resentment in the background.

Assertiveness, done well, tends to improve relationships. It reduces confusion and passive tension. It helps people trust you because they know where they stand with you and it helps you trust yourself.

The other side of this is energy. People pleasing is exhausting. All that monitoring, all that cushioning, all that managing other people’s reactions. When you start being more direct, you get that energy back; you spend less time spiralling and more time doing what you actually want to do.

So no, practising assertiveness is not going to turn you into a dickhead. It’s far more likely to turn you into someone who is clearer, easier to work with, and more grounded. Not harder, not colder, just more honest.

And honestly, most of us could use a little more of that.