The powerful middle ground between passive and aggressive: assertive

The director of my play The Culture succinctly explained to me that people often spend time at either end of a spectrum: with one end being passive, and the other assertive, and forget the sweet spot is right in the middle – and that is assertive.

If, like me, you’re someone who tends towards the non-confrontational, people-pleasing end, it can be easy in trying to avoid coming across as aggressive, to end up being more passive than we’d like to be.

We practice saying what we would have said. What we should have said. But even the imagined conversation taking place inside our head feels too pushy.
I could never say that! I’d come across like a dickhead!

This fear is why people stay stuck in people pleasing habits for so long. It’s not that they don’t know what they want. It’s that clarity feels risky. Clarity might upset someone. Clarity might make you unlikeable. Clarity might make you “difficult.”

So instead, we cushion, add extra words, make suggestions instead of decisions and prioritise keeping everyone comfortable. 

Here’s what I’ve realised: there’s a huge difference between being assertive and being aggressive, and most of us were never properly taught the difference.

Aggression is forceful, dominating and selfish. Assertive is clear, direct, and calm.

If saying things like ‘I have another idea’ or ‘I need more time to complete this to my satisfaction’ make you want to vanish, I get it. But these are not rude statements. And clarifying expectations early on, rather than letting quiet resentments build, go a long way to avoiding misunderstandings and supporting team dynamics.

You don’t have to quietly obey every piece of direction. Your ideas matter too. There is both power and respect in a statement like, ‘Thank you for the feedback, I’ll consider it.” Your idea could be a missing puzzle piece – so speak up!

If you’re worried that being assertive will make you a dickhead, I have some reassurance for you: the people who actually are dickheads generally don’t worry about this. 

They don’t monitor their tone or care about impact. They don’t stress about whether they’ve come across as kind. The fact that you’re even asking the question is usually a sign you’re operating with a decent internal compass. 

Assertiveness, done well, tends to improve relationships. It reduces confusion and it helps people trust you because they know where they stand.

So, no you won’t end up a jerk. 

Fair warning though: you might end up clearer, easier to work with, and more grounded. So, just make sure you’re prepared for all that success that’s coming your way!