The leadership lesson I learned on tour: Avoiding conflict can create even more conflict

When I wrote my play and decided to tour it, I hadn’t quite considered that I would have to lead a team. Touring a play is one of those experiences that looks glamorous from the outside and feels like organised chaos on the inside. 

It’s a privilege and a joy to get to take a work (especially one of your own) to new audiences, and new spaces. But it’s also a lot of fast moving, a lot of decisions, a lot of logistics, and doing it all with a group of very dedicated and very tired humans.

As with any team, but perhaps especially a team of supremely talented, passionate and articulate women, my touring team had moments of conflict. And I think this is actually a really great thing. I hired these capable, opinionated women to tell me what I needed to hear, not just what I wanted to hear. The creative process is also subjective - meaning we had differing opinions, but every one of those points of view could be right.

There were moments when my team disagreed and they looked to me for a decision. And instead of feeling calm, capable, and in control, I wanted to bury my face in the theatre curtains.

If you’re someone who tends towards people-pleasing (like me!) it’s easy to fall into the trap that leadership means making everyone happy. 

When the team needed leadership, I hesitated. I left things open-ended. I avoided saying the direct thing because I did not want to be seen as demanding or difficult. I thought I was protecting the team from stress. 

But what I learned was that avoiding conflict does not keep the peace. It often creates more tension.

What I learned is that people can cope with a clear decision, even when it’s not their favourite one. What they cannot cope with is feeling like no one is steering.

Without a clear leader, role definition becomes murky. Team members don’t know where to ask their questions. The load falls to others’ shoulders.

It’s worth mentioning that avoiding direct conflict can also create the passive kind. The kind that lives in side conversations, eye contact, people quietly checking out. Nobody is shouting, but everyone is tense. And that tension leaks into the work.

And so, as I get older and more experienced, I am stepping into my space. I am trying to be more assertive, and more decisive. 

It’s not that I’m letting go of the side of me that deeply cares about others, because I do believe that my empathy is my super power, and that emotional intelligence is just as critical as assertiveness to a good leader.

It’s more that I’ve realised that being ‘nice’ isn’t always being kind. And pleasing people is not the same as leading people.